Mortgage, Mortgages whatever you call them, they still drain your bucks. At Zombie Explains Finance, the undead decode home loans, down payments, and foreclosures with humor, brains, and zero pulse. Let’s begin!
Zombie wants a house.
A BIG one.
With creaky floors, secret passages, and maybe a view of the graveyard.
Zombie goes to the realtor and finds the perfect one.
Price tag? $500,000.
Zombie opens wallet.
Finds $11… and a loyalty card from Blood Bank Bistro.
Expired!
Zombie sighs. Dreams die (again).
But then. Hope.
Zombie hears about something called a mortgage.
A magic spell where the bank buys the house for you. And then owns your soul for 30 years.
Welcome to the American dream, undead edition.
💀 What Is a Mortgage, Really?
A mortgage is a loan you take to buy a home when you don’t have the full cash upfront.
Which, let’s be real, almost no one does. Not even the living.
For a detailed explanation of mortgages, check out the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s guide on buying a home
Here’s how it works:
✅ The bank pays the seller the full price of the house.
✅ Zombie gets to move in right away.
✅ Then every month, Zombie sends the bank a chunk of money called a mortgage payment.
Over time (like, decades), Zombie slowly pays back what was borrowed. plus interest.
If Zombie stops paying?
Bank takes the house back.
That’s called foreclosure.
And trust me, foreclosure is scarier than a haunted attic.
🧠 Why Do Zombies (and Humans) Use Mortgages?
Because nobody’s walking around with half a million bucks in their coffin.
Mortgages make homeownership possible.
They let you buy property now and pay over time. Usually 15, 20, or 30 years.
The longer the term, the smaller each monthly payment.
But… the more you pay overall.
It’s like ordering a brain smoothie with a straw so long, it costs you double by the end.
🧩 Anatomy of a Mortgage
Let’s dissect the beast, limb by limb.
1️⃣ Down Payment
Before the bank trusts Zombie, it wants proof that Zombie is serious.
That proof? Cold, hard bucks.
A down payment is usually 10–20% of the house price.
On a $500,000 house, that’s $50,000–$100,000.
Zombie doesn’t have that.
Zombie cries.
Then calls undead parents.
“Momby, Deaddy, can I borrow from the afterlife fund?”
With help, Zombie scrapes together $100,000.
That covers the down payment.
The rest? $400,000? That comes from the bank.
That’s called the principal.
2️⃣ Principal
This is the core loan amount the bank gives Zombie to buy the house.
In this case: $400,000.
Zombie owes that money back.
Every single buck.
The problem?
Banks don’t lend money for free.
They charge interest.
Because capitalism runs on debt and lattes.
3️⃣ Interest
Interest = the cost of borrowing money.
It’s how banks make profit without actually doing anything spooky.
Let’s say Zombie’s mortgage rate is 5% per year.
🧮 On a $400,000 loan:
Zombie owes $20,000 per year in interest (at first).
So Zombie doesn’t just pay back $400,000.
Zombie pays much more. Often hundreds of thousands extra by the end.
Example:
- $400,000 loan
- 30-year term
- 5% rate
→ Zombie pays back about $773,000 total.
That’s right! The house costs Zombie ‘another house’.
4️⃣ Monthly Payments
Zombie now makes monthly payments. Usually one every full moon.
Each payment includes:
✅ Principal (paying off the loan)
✅ Interest (paying the bank’s vacation fund)
✅ Taxes (paying the government’s coffee fund)
✅ Insurance (so fire, flood, or ghost activity doesn’t destroy it all)
These pieces together are called PITI —
Principal, Interest, Taxes, Insurance.
No, it doesn’t mean ‘Pure Infinite Terror Inside’ though close.
In the early years, most of the payment goes to interest.
Only a tiny bit kills off the principal.
That’s why it feels like digging out of a grave with a spoon.
Later, the balance shifts. More goes toward principal.
Zombie slowly owns more of the house.
That’s called building equity.
5️⃣ Loan Term
Zombie has options:
💀 15 year mortgage
- Bigger monthly payments
- Pay less interest overall
- Loan dies faster
🧟 30 year mortgage
- Smaller monthly payments
- Pay more interest over time
- Loan haunts you longer
Most undead (and living) choose the 30-year plan.
Because… reality.
🧠 Fixed vs Variable Rate (Pick Your Poison)
When Zombie signs the deal, there’s a choice:
🪦 Fixed-Rate Mortgage
✅ Interest rate never changes.
✅ Monthly payment stays the same forever.
✅ Zombie always knows what’s coming.
Stable, predictable, coffin-shaped comfort.
🧛 Variable-Rate Mortgage
Starts low.
Then changes.
Usually up.
Zombie feels rich at first. Then the rate rises and the payments balloon.
It’s like dating a vampire! seems great, ends with financial blood loss.
Most smart zombies go fixed.
Because stability > surprise bites.
💵 Pre-Qualification vs Pre-Approval
Zombie finds dream home.
Agent asks, “Are you pre-approved?”
Zombie blinks. “Pre-what?”
Here’s the difference:
💀 Pre-Qualification
Just a guess.
Bank looks at Zombie’s income and says, “Yeah, maybe you can afford this.”
No documents. Just vibes.
🧠 Pre-Approval
Serious business.
Bank actually checks credit score, income, and debts.
If Zombie gets pre-approved, sellers know Zombie’s offer is legit.
It’s like walking into the housing market armed with silver bullets.
🏚️ What Happens If Zombie Misses Payments?
First: scary letters.
Then: angry calls.
Then: foreclosure.
Bank takes house.
Zombie gets kicked out.
House gets resold to someone with better credit. And fewer cobwebs.
Zombie’s credit score?
Buried six feet under.
So if Zombie can’t pay, better to:
✅ Refinance
✅ Talk to lender
✅ Adjust budget
✅ Eat fewer gourmet brains
Because once foreclosure starts, even necromancy can’t fix it.
🧾 Other Hidden Costs of Mortgage Explained
Zombie thinks the mortgage is just the loan.
Wrong! There’s more:
💀 Closing Costs – Fees to finalize the loan (2–5% of the price)
💀 Homeowner’s Insurance – Required by lender
💀 Property Taxes — Yearly brain drain
The government still takes a bite out of your bucks even after death. If you’ve ever wondered why the government wants your money so bad, read Taxes Explained by Ded Rich: Why the Government Takes Your Bucks and Calls It Civic Duty.
💀 PMI (Private Mortgage Insurance) – If down payment < 20%, Zombie pays this extra protection for the bank
💀 HOA Fees (NO! Not hoe. Seriously?) Homeowners Association – If Zombie lives in a “community” with shared maintenance, ghost lawns, and matching mailboxes, the HOA (Horrors Of Afterlife Association) demands monthly tribute.
They say it’s for “beautification,” but Zombies know it’s just funding Karen’s obsession with complaints and fines. Miss a payment, and they’ll summon a fine faster than you can say “brains”.
Even death doesn’t free you from HOA rules. They’ll still send letters to your grave if your grass is 0.5 inch too tall.
These add up.
Zombie’s “$2,000” monthly payment might actually be $2,800.
So before signing anything, Zombie should always ask:
👉 “What’s my total monthly cost?”
🧠 Should Zombie Even Get a Mortgage?
Good question.
Let’s weigh it like brains on a scale.
✅ Pros
- Zombie gets a house without saving $500K first
- Builds equity (ownership value) over time
- Fixed payments = predictable life (or afterlife)
- Potential tax deductions on mortgage interest and property taxes
❌ Cons
- Massive long term debt
- Interest adds up
- Risk of foreclosure
- Maintenance costs never stop
- Harder to move or “ghost” responsibility
In short:
A mortgage can be a powerful tool or a lifelong haunting.
💀 Tips Before Applying
Before jumping into a mortgage, Zombie should:
✅ Check credit score – Higher score = better interest rate = fewer lost bucks
✅ Save a big down payment – 20% helps avoid PMI
✅ Shop around – Different lenders, different rates
✅ Avoid adjustable-rate loans – Unless Zombie loves anxiety
✅ Calculate total monthly costs – Taxes + insurance + brain snacks
✅ Get pre-approved before house hunting
✅ Don’t max out – Buy below your limit so surprise repairs don’t kill you (again)
🧟 Example: Zombie Buys a Home
Let’s see how this plays out.
- House Price: $500,000
- Down Payment: $100,000
- Loan: $400,000
- Interest Rate: 5%
- Term: 30 years
Zombie’s monthly payment = roughly $2,147
But with taxes and insurance, it’s more like $2,600.
After 30 years, Zombie pays $773,000 total.
The good news?
Zombie owns the house outright.
No more rent. No more landlord. Just peace and creaky floorboards.
🧠 Refinance: The Zombie Do-Over
Years later, interest rates drop.
Zombie can refinance. That is taking a new loan at a lower rate to save money.
Example:
Drop from 5% to 3.5%?
Zombie could save tens of thousands over the loan’s life.
Refinancing also helps:
- Change loan term
- Switch from variable to fixed rate
- Lower monthly payments
But beware: refinancing comes with fees and paperwork. Enough to resurrect your stress.
💀 Fun Fact Corner
- The word mortgage comes from Old French “mort gage”, meaning “death pledge.”
You pay until the debt or you dies. - The average US mortgage debt (2024): around $240,000 per borrower.
- Typical first time buyer in the US puts down 6 – 7% only, not 20%.
- Miss 4 months of payments? Foreclosure likely begins.
- Some states (like California and Texas) have non-recourse laws, meaning the bank can’t come after other assets if they foreclose.
💀 Final Thoughts
Mortgage = tool.
Not magic. Not evil.
Used wisely, it helps Zombie buy a home, build equity, and live the undead dream.
Used foolishly, it turns Zombie into a financial ghost. Chained to debt forever.
So remember:
💬 “A mortgage isn’t just a loan. It’s a lifestyle.”
💬 “Clean credit = cheaper coffin.”
💬 “Pay your mortgage. Or the bank will repossess your peace.”
In the end, Ded’s advice:
Don’t fear the loan. Fear not understanding it.
Because in finance, as in the graveyard
ignorance costs more than death.
Stay decomposed and diversified – until next time!
🕸️Zombie pays, government takes, and the cycle continues until the after-afterlife.
Curious where all those bucks really go? Check Taxes Explained by Ded Rich — a cheerful little guide to why Uncle Sam always wins.
