Taxes, government, and civic duty – the unholy trio that keeps your wallet lighter and your spirit broken. Ded Rich explains why your bucks vanish every payday. Let’s begin!
Zombie works.
Zombie gets paycheck.
Zombie feels alive again.
Zombie opens envelope.
Zombie screams.
“Where did my bucks go?”
Not vampires.
Not grave robbers.
Government.
Every payday, the Government quietly sneaks into Zombie’s wallet and takes a bite.
They call it tax.
Zombie calls it financial necromancy.
🧠 What Is Tax?
Tax is the money everyone gives to the Government so it can keep things running like roads, schools, hospitals, armies, and the IRS’s coffee fund.
In the United States tax system, there are three main levels of taxation:
- Federal taxes (collected by the IRS in Washington D.C.)
- State taxes (50 mini governments, all wanting their slice of your paycheck)
- Local taxes (city, county, or your HOA ruled by Karen)
Each one wants a piece of your hard earned bucks.
🪙 Why We Pay Taxes
Without taxes, the country falls apart.
No highways.
No police.
No public schools.
No Social Security or Medicare.
No bridges strong enough for a zombie’s hearse.
Taxes are the price of civilization, and the IRS is the bouncer at the gate, making sure you pay the entry fee.
💵 Types of Taxes in the United States
Zombie thought there was just one tax.
He was wrong.
There are many ways to drain your wallet.
🧾 1. Income Tax
Zombie earns 100 bucks.
Government says, “Nice! We’ll take 20.”
This is federal income tax, collected by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), also known as “Income Robbery Squad”.
Almost every working American pays it.
How much depends on tax brackets.
🧮 2025 Federal Tax Brackets (Single Filers)
- 10% – up to $11,600
- 12% – $11,601 to $47,150
- 22% – $47,151 to $100,525
- 24% – $100,526 to $191,950
- 32% – $191,951 to $243,725
- 35% – $243,726 to $609,350
- 37% – over $609,350
But remember! Only the income within each range gets taxed at that rate.
Zombie doesn’t pay 22% on his whole income, just the part that falls into that bracket.
Pro tip: Don’t panic when you “move up a bracket.” It’s not a trap. It’s just math.
💀 2. Payroll Tax
Before Zombie even gets his paycheck, the IRS takes 7.65% for Social Security and Medicare taxes.
That’s right! The FICA tax funds benefits for retired and disabled citizens.
Zombie pays too, even though he’s technically retired from life.
💳 3. Sales Tax
Zombie buys deodorant.
Price = $10.
Cashier says: “Actually $10.70.”
That’s sales tax added by most states (5 – 10%).
Five states, Oregon, Montana, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Alaska, have no statewide sales tax.
Zombie considers moving there.
Then realizes they tax everything else instead.
🏠 4. Property Tax
Zombie buys a house for 500,000 bucks.
County assessor visits yearly and decides how much it’s worth.
Then charges 1 – 3% of that value as property tax.
Even after paying off the mortgage, Zombie still owes property tax. Forever.
You never truly own your home! You just rent it from the Government.
💰 5. Capital Gains Tax
When you sell an investment like stocks, crypto, or even your creepy mansion for more bucks than you paid, the IRS wants a bite of your profit. The longer you hold it, the smaller their bite.
For example, Zombie invests in Bitcoin or as he calls it, BrainCoin.
Buys at $1, sells at $10.
Profit = $9.
Then the IRS crawls out of the ground and says, “We’ll take our share, thanks.”
If Zombie sells his BrainCoin too soon (less than a year after buying), it is called a short term gain. It is taxed like normal income. Because the IRS smells fast money before it even hits the wallet.
If Zombie waits more than a year before selling, it is a long term gain. The tax is lower like 0%, 15%, or 20%, depending on how lucky or undead you are.
💀 Smart zombies hold long term. Because watching the IRS starve is satisfying
🧟 6. Corporate Tax
Zombie starts a business: Corpse Capital LLC
Company earns $1,000,000.
Federal corporate tax rate = 21%.
Zombie pays $210,000.
And still does not get a thank you card!
⚰️ 7. Estate & Inheritance Tax
Let’s say Zombie dies again. He leaves his fortune to his zombie kids, Little Moldy and Smelly.
The federal estate tax applies if the total estate, which includes everything Zombie owns when he dies like money, property, investments, and even fancy coffins, is worth more than 13.6 million dollars in 2025.
The tax rate can go up to 40%. Even in death, taxes follow. Death and taxes are humanity’s most reliable horror duo.
🧾 How Taxes Are Collected
If Zombie works for someone else, taxes are automatically withheld from his paycheck.
If Zombie is self employed, he must pay quarterly estimated taxes. That is every April, June, September, and January.
Every April 15 is Tax Day, a nationwide spectacle of sweating, sighing, and asking ‘where is my W-2?
Zombie uses Form 1040, the official IRS scorecard, to report his bucks and claim deductions and credits. This is how he tries to keep as much money as possible out of the IRS’s greedy hands.
💀 Tax Deductions and Credits
Deductions lower taxable income. This is like telling the IRS, “Hey, I only have this many bucks to use.” It makes the amount they look at smaller. Fewer bucks in the pile means less tax.
Credits lower the actual tax owed. This is like the IRS saying, “Okay, you already paid some bucks, we will take less from you.” It directly lowers the tax you have to give.
🧠 Common Tax Deductions
- Mortgage interest
- Charitable donations
- Medical expenses
- Student loan interest
- Business expenses
💸 Tax Credits
- Child Tax Credit ($2,000 per child)
- Earned Income Tax Credit (for low-income workers)
- Education Credits (American Opportunity, Lifetime Learning)
- Green Energy Credits (solar panels, EVs, haunted-house upgrades)
Zombie loves credits. They’re like buy-one-get-one-free coupons for your tax bill.
⚰️ Refunds and Audits
If you overpay tax, you get a tax refund. Average U.S. refund is about $3,000.
If you “forget” income, the IRS may audit you.
Only 0.4% of returns get audited, but if you’re rich or creative with deductions, they’ll find you.
Audits are scarier than exorcisms.
Zombie would rather face sunlight.
🪦 What Happens If You Don’t Pay Taxes?
Step 1: IRS sends letter.
Step 2: Penalties and interest rise.
Step 3: They garnish wages, seize assets, or freeze accounts.
Step 4: Lien or levy. They legally own part of your stuff.
IRS is like death: inevitable and patient.
🧠 How Rich Zombies Pay Less (Legally)
Ded Rich doesn’t evade. He avoids.
- Earns through investments, not wages.
- Uses real estate deductions (interest, depreciation, maintenance).
- Borrows against investments instead of selling them (no taxable event).
That’s why billionaires often pay lower effective tax rates than workers.
Not because they’re evil. Because they read the tax code.
💡 Zombie Tax Tips (That Actually Save Bucks)
✅ Always file on time. Late filing is worse than late payment.
✅ Keep receipts for 3 years – The IRS can audit you anytime in that window. Receipts are your proof that bucks were spent for real.
✅ Use TurboTax, H&R Block, or TaxSlayer – These tools help you navigate the scary maze of forms without losing your mind… or your bucks.
✅ If you’re a freelancer, save 25–30% for taxes – Uncle Sam does not wait for your invoices. Keep a stash so he doesn’t bite too deep.
✅ Adjust your W-4 so you don’t overpay. The IRS isn’t your savings account.
✅ Claim credits – Credits reduce your tax bill dollar for dollar. Like a secret weapon against the IRS.
🧟 Final Words from Ded Rich
Taxes aren’t fair.
They aren’t fun.
But they’re forever.
Even zombies can’t escape them.
So Ded Rich says:
